Melancholia

So much time has passed by… I thought time would heal these wounds and stop the pain. What I didn't know, was that time makes everything all the more clear. I thought I would forget it all, just like you did…

But I just can’t forget. And I don’t want to forget ever either. I want to remember it all, everything, down to the every infinitesimal and trivial detail…

I never really understood that how could you forget everything? Forget me? Was I so insignificant? How could you just wipe me out? Was I nothing? Why would you do that to me? How could you do that to me? All these thoughts plague my mind day after day still.

Acceptance didn’t come easy to me. Only I know what I have done in the wake of losing you. I am unfaithful at heart now because no matter how hard I try not to think about you, you somehow always creep up in my thoughts. You are always at the back of my mind, still, when I had vowed to myself not to dwell over you anymore.

At times I wish I could just anyhow erase my memory, undo my past. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the sands of time… If only I had that power I would change it all. Knowing what I know now, I would never take the steps which led me towards you, my destruction.

Who am I fooling by all of this? God knows that I would any day go back and relive it all a thousand times and more, even if I knew that it would end up the same way, every time, with you leaving me.

I would happily take all he pain and the hurt, endlessly, just to have those blessed times back with you. Yes, I felt blessed because in you I had found my happiness. I was the happiest little girl that ever was.

I tried hating you after what you did to me. I tried so hard that it actually hurt. So I stopped pretending that I hate you. I just can’t hate you. Just can’t stop this deceitful heart of mine from loving you even now. I believe that you can never unlove somebody.

For the longest time I was under the impression that you love me. I did feel like you love me. Till I found out about your infidelity. Didn’t know that it was just a cover up for your guilt, for who knows how long. I don’t even know when and how I lost you... And you know I would have forgiven you for that too, eventually, though it broke my heart. I would have forgiven you anything…

What actually destroyed me was that you never even apologized. Not even once. I couldn’t fathom how could you be so indifferent? And after having made all the promises you had, you turned so cold when I confronted you? At least I deserved an answer, “Why?!”. That was a blow to my soul.

I believe God has His own ways of punishing the transgressors. And so my love was punished too. I couldn’t keep you to myself. And I just sat there helplessly as you left me for someone else.

So many things have become clear to me since. And, yes, God has His own mysterious ways. Maybe it was His way of opening my eyes, and making me see your treachery. Yes, love is blind. There were signs but I was blindfolded by your love, couldn’t see what was right in my face, right in front of my eyes. I was much too blinded. In fact, I chose not to see because I just couldn’t believe it. And even the thought of it all being a sham was much too painful for me to swallow.

Oh, I was a fool for you… Never questioning, always believing. But I was happy… You meant my happiness. I was in an utter bliss. When you went away, so did the peace of my mind, as well.

Yet tonight I wish that you were here. I promised myself that I will banish you from my heart forever. Tried to shut you out from my memories… It takes an iron will to stay away from you, and not to crawl back to you, begging you to take me anyway.

I remember this date last year, and the year past that. I was bubbling with sheer glee. And tonight, we are worlds apart. Yet, like always I shall pray for you.
With all my love…

There is no end of things in the heart…