Lovelorn

Sounds, they make our lives beautiful. From the chirping of the early morning birds, the ringing of sweet laughter, the rumbling of the thunder, the cascading of a waterfall, the rustling of leaves to the humdrum of daily life, and the chattering of people; the tolling of bells to the shrieks of agony, the screams of horror, the howls of pain and the snuffles of hurt... Are all what makes us value life.

Life would be a waste if we were not blessed by sight. From the beautiful rays of sun gleaming over the lush grass, the blooming of flowers in the spring, the changing of the seasons, the shimmering raindrops falling from the sky, the faces of your loved ones, the colors of happiness, the celebrations of joys to a scene of tragedy, the tears of sorrow, the death of someone close... All define our world, our lives.

This is life encompassed in the broad spectrum of two senses that evoke the most emotions in us... They are a blessing for they allow us to take in all the beauty of the world around us.  For a moment think if you were to be deprived of them? You would be rendered impaired indeed, yet you would still be alive... But would that life be worth living for? Think not, the world would seem dull and dreary.

Now envision if you were crippled emotionally, when you fail to feel anything... You are listening but you can't hear a word, you look but you can't see a thing... You just sit there and watch life pass you by from far away... When time and space become pointless, nothing matters... When life itself loses its meaning...

I breathe but I ain't living, I know. Everyday seems the same: dark and gloomy... I have nothing to look forward to… I have become a broken shell of my former self, a husk... All I see is the past running through my head... All I can hear is your voice... And I try to etch it all in my memory by going over and over it, again and again, incessantly, so that I can hold on to it, forever, because that is all I have left now... For the fear that lest my memory fails me one day then what would I have to live for? If I couldn't remember your face or hear your voice or feel your touch? Even the thought makes me shudder... No, I must engrave it all in my heart...

I pray I die, daily... No, wait, I stand corrected. I am already dead. I died the day I lost you. Just been dragging my body through, day by day since that.  And with every passing night my heart grows heavier, I still cry myself to sleep...

But death won't come so easily... Not when I want it to, now... 

Why is God so merciless? Why doesn't He listen to me?

Life goes on but I am frozen exactly where you left me... Lost in your love, forever. You took my life away with you and left me here to rot, alone... To die inside, everyday... Why? What had I ever done to deserve this punishment? The pain I am in for, I haven't committed those sins... Death would be better than this abysmal life... This is too high a price to pay for loving you. Nothing makes sense anymore, why do I go on?

A tear stings my cheek and brings me back to reality, which is long after since you so cruelly snatched the meaning of my life, my happiness away from me...  Reality means pain and I recoil from it and hide behind the my mist of senselessness. They come rushing now, memories, flowing like a river... Why me?

We are but mere pawns in the game of life, dealt remorselessly by fate. And I have lost, lost everything at the hands of my own fate. And as a final blow I was given the curse of life... I feel nothing now except hollowness. Absolutely nothing. Yet my memories resurrect me from oblivion every time my defenses are weakened and start hacking me to pieces all over again. I would gladly take damnation into perdition rather than this acute torture to my soul, this pain that is almost palpable...

Come away, come away, Death

And in sad cypresses let me be laid;

Fly away, fly away, breath,

I am slain by a cruel love.

My shroud of white stuck with all yew,

O, prepare it!

My part of death no one so true did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet,

On my black coffin let there be strewn;

Not a friend, not a friend greet

My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown.

A thousand thousand sighs to save,

Lay me, O, where

Sad true lover never find my grave,

To weep there!

I wipe the tears off and try to fix up a smile, it's time to face the world again to pass for the living, but I know they know that it doesn't quite reach my eyes... What they don't know is that inside I am falling in to this black bottomless abyss...