When shadows beckon...

I gaze up at the dark black sky specked by millions of stars, twinkling. It was a lonely night, you could hear the silence singing in the breeze. The clouds billowing now, dark ominous clouds, blinding me, and I hear piercing screams ring through the deserted corridors of my mind… My mind’s playing tricks on me again…

I am back in the serene surroundings… Silence deafening and loud. The water ripples in the pond peacefully, the birds chirping sweetly in the woods… "Lovely, how can such pure beauty be?", I think to myself, when an agonized shriek breaks through my inner peace and I find myself running amok… Hiding from something… My mind is telling me to find a safe haven or it's going to take me down… I try to think what, what am I running from? Someone wants me dead, I run for my life trying to grab onto something but everything just fades into the distant horizon… I have to get out of here…

But I am tired of running like cowards now and my legs begin to wobble. Yet I cannot remember what’s after me that I am so afraid of. I sit down heaving, the breath coming out in smokes… I wait for it to take me now, no strength left inside. I feel hollow, let this end tonight… I will face it this time around; my mind is numb from apprehension.

 

The darkness deepens;

Lord, with me abide!

When other helpers fail

And comforts flee

Help of the helpless, O abide with me

In life, in death, O Lord abide with me!

I recite, rocking to and fro like a little child. Memories come rushing back to me… Fear in me so deep it gets the sanity in me. In the fear I fall, as it comes face to face with me, I feel these wounds. I know what’s after me; it’s my own dark soul… Blood-soaked memories. Life’s a joke, a cruel merciless joke on me. Horrors bare their faces to me; evil demons chase me but I cannot run anymore, I have given up. Hot tears sting my cheeks afresh, innocence ripped away, stripped off of my happiness.

Where’s life?! Is cold out here and dreary. I want to go home. I close my eyes. Help!

Suddenly I feel the warmth all around me, for once I am granted my wish. Lord God, is this a miracle? I open my eyes again, sunlight is pouring in through the windows. Heavens, I was just dreaming! 

Nightmares… Phew!

Why cannot I get up? I try to move myself, but my limbs do not seem to respond. Must have overslept so that the muscles are exhausted now and I cannot pull myself on my feet. I dismiss the uneasy thoughts gathering up inside my head.

Pain! Excruciating. What now? Still sleepy, must be… I know I am half dreaming still, I tell myself. I brace myself up for nightmares again, as my eyes begin closing against my will. My eyelids droop, I let go… Warm wetness surrounds my body; I am lying under the beautiful open sky. Oh, how calm it all seems, I could lie here forever…

I will myself to look down at me and this time around I finally grasp it… I writhe in the pool of my own blood… Life’s slipping through my fingers, but I do not want to hold on. Ironic how a naïve looking gash can suck the life out of you but the memories remain… My whole life replays in my mind…

Desperate I crawl, calling out for loved ones… They stare at me coldly, no one comes near me. Everywhere I turn I see faces who once loved me, why no one extends their hand to help me then? Why are they just standing there oblivious to my agony?

I claw at my face not knowing what to do anymore. Somebody save me from me! Blood pours through my veins freely, painting everything red. Tears of anger and hate coursing down my pleading, hurt eyes now and staining my soul. There is no love in these eyes that look down upon me like I am some slime, never was. All the times that I was cursed, accused, robbed, beaten down, and left outside alone are running through my head now...

I will not be a part of this horrid prank being pulled on me. Vengeance is mineth! I will get up and avenge myself… I hate myself! And f***ing hate everyone for making me suffer like this, for taking my life away from me. My heart slows down… I am losing grip on my sanity, my life…

Maybe death will bring the promised relief, I assure myself.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Amen. Peace at last! Oblivion… Pure and beautiful… Blessed oblivion now! Ah… As I shut my eyes, my body an empty broken shell, devoid of all feelings and emotions. Demons of my past encircle me and start their macabre dance... It all begins once again… There’s no escape… I run from myself once more...