Sinking to new depths…

In the stillness, in the silence…

When it's finished, when it's gone…

Something echoes, something whispers…

Tries to speak when you are alone…

And when the day turns into night, I am in my own little world, forgetting everything... It's just me and it's beautiful... Lightheaded, under the gypsy moon, by the crashing waves, and the chilly sea breeze...
This is where I belong... By the beautiful sea, that's the life I covet...

I think I have lost that, you know, little something which used to thump against my rib cage. I don't know, I don't feel anything anymore.

Sitting by the sea, stranded on the rocks jutting above the shore, I sway as the breeze blows in fierce gusts, smoking jays with the smell of the rain on the cold wind… And suddenly I feel like I have wings. This feeling that I am flying, it’s headier and more liberating than anything I have ever known…  

The cold makes me shiver as I gaze down into the bottomless dark water, it ensues a sinking feeling in my soul... But somehow, I am not scared... I am in love, absolutely enchanted. Life doesn't get any better than this, ah. I have envisioned myself dying, falling forever, until I hit those sinister waters, never to be seen again, pulled down by despair for I have no will to live, swallowed by the merciless waves…

Why is death always present on my mind? I understand it’s because the pain is sometimes a bit too much to take. Though I fear there’s no solace in the arms of death either, for it won’t make you love me, it won’t make you come back, it won’t fill your eyes up with tears. Knowing that is agony enough. If only I could end my life now, make it all go away, fade into oblivion.

I believe pain brings out our deepest imaginations and lightens up the thought process, perhaps that’s the reason I feel so enlivened. But there's no pain anymore, only a hollow numbness settling over me... Only occasionally, does it hurt with a soul-wrenching intensity.

I have been here before, with you… Walking on the coastline, our hands entwined, with the sun still shining bright in the early evening behind us. I remember curling my fingers around yours as we dug our feet into the sand… I remember marveling at the sparkling waters caressing my feet, as we covered the beach on foot, leaning my head on your shoulder, you smiling down at me…

And I remember you telling me to close my eyes, I remember seeing you down on your knees in the blue waters, asking me if I would be yours forever. I remember that being the most beautiful moment I have ever experienced, never have I known such happiness as I did just then… I remember my eyes welling up as I hugged you close, afraid to lose you, and then breaking out in laughter… I remember you gently kissing my eyes as the sun set on the same beach… But all of that now feels like another lifetime…

       

Seasons come, seasons go, and with that the sun has set in my life, and it has become eclipsed in the shadows from the past… Now I sit here day after day, reflecting... Just pondering endlessly... And I never tire of it... You can’t just make yourself stop thinking about something. I don't live under the illusion that I will ever be content, anymore... Satisfaction is elusive.

It's the hope... The fucking hope against the hopelessness of it all. Hope that consumes me, and hope that will be the end of me. Why can't I just stop hoping and move the fuck on? It's like being stuck in the limbo. I am hopelessly trapped, so I keep going in circles. Always believing, always hoping, always waiting… An eternal wait that burns up my soul...

Around this time, last year everything was so different... Or maybe it was all in my head… The truth would destroy me anyhow…

Scoring highs and hitting peaks...

Never coming down is all she sees...

I imagine what it'd be like for you to still be someone worth calling and I wonder what will I say if you ever picked up the phone. Probably nothing. Words fail me… Understanding begins where words end.

Some walks you have to take alone. There’s frosty wind in my face whipping my hair about, telling me it’s winters again, it’s been cold for so long, I can’t feel the warmth that once was in my heart… The freezing water laps at my feet... Beautiful beyond words, I tell you...

But amidst all the serenity, I want to pull away when my dreams die, when I die, though I continue to breathe... Why did you let me believe?

In my head I have exhausted all possibilities... Defeat is not easy to absorb. I am not saying that we don't have a hand in it, in how our life turns out, but you can never cheat the designs of your fate. But now, I don’t know, nothing matters, and everywhere I look I see the world filled with thick black smoke. It hinders my vision, I can’t see my future, I don’t want one…

It's impossible for me to find happiness in anything because I am afraid that if I do, it will be taken away from me. When they say people still find lifelong happiness, I begin to think I am on the outside when all I have found is this nothingness, so celestial in its stretch that it is inescapable.

I am not asking for the world, just you, here, and your silence… I want you to hold your hand and drive off to the end of the world... And maybe we could find new ways to fall apart... Shut off the headlights, kill that switch… As you weave your fingers through mine and there is stardust in the sky, and I am shattering yet whole in the wake of despair...

We both don’t bother with words, for you know that we know them all by heart… But that was long ago, and now there is no consolation.

Time does not heal,

It makes a half-stitched scar,

That can be broken and again you feel,

Grief as total as in its first hour.

― Elizabeth Jennings

Our melody still haunts my reveries... So I have finally, embraced all my distorted thoughts... I know whatever happens, beyond a doubt, my heart will always lead me to you. It’s the music that plays in my head as I throw myself down into the fathomless sea.

For the first time in my life, I am under water and gasping for breath. I know I am slipping under but little did I know that diving into the depths is what I have been yearning for. I feel like I am out of touch with reality. When I jumped, I thought that I’d fly.

The water symbolizes my emotions: dark, untamable, unforgiving, and suffocating. And for a while now I have thought maybe I am drowning in both. For the first time in my existence, I know I am drowning and yet I am not thinking about survival. I won’t survive anyhow, for I tied a slab of stone around my ankle and thrust it into the water first, so that I can’t fight the current.

My body ascends with the water once, instead of kicking my feet to stay abreast of it, I push all the air from my lungs and sink to the bottom. The water muffles my ears. I inhale deeply so as to quicken my death, my lungs screaming for air, but I can't bring myself to fight and breathe.

A colossal wave hits, sending me farther below, and whole of my memory becomes murky. In a flash I am a shipwreck, I cannot even cry out, my mouth is full of saltwater moans. I am flooded with hazy, deceptive recollections, drowning in memories.

Fancy being where I am right now, going under in the blackness, clutching at straws as I sink to new depths, with water filling my insides, rushing in my head even, making my heart beat with fear and pity, while my eyes peer above at the quickly receding world. All I remember now is how I found my way to the sea of black tears and threw myself into the dark waters and was dragged down into it by a black force, drowning me.

Watch me go down?

I am sinking beneath reality; weighed down with life. This is my fate.

My blood burns. The world turns black. Life is just a faraway memory now. Time to write it off.