Letting go...

It happens every now and then... Thinking of you, my mind flashes back to when we were together... I remember, the not so distant past when one day you looked into my eyes while I was lying in your arms, and whispered the words in my ear, which I had so many times before took for granted… And I believed you.

But now I can't hear you and God knows I try to... and God knows you did love me so much more with everyday then...

Where did I go wrong? It only happens when I am all by my own…

Love is such a vague and obscure term; it is blurry and elusive. So I started digging into my memories to figure out what it meant to me. What it felt like being loved. And all I came up was what I have been trying to run from so long…

I have been a very fortunate woman, in that the one true relationship I had was with a person I simply couldn’t go on without for even a day.

We created magic. Together.

Truth be told, I have loved you more than I loved myself ever. Kept my self-respect aside, forgot my dignity, strangled my ego because it made you happy, and in turn I was happy.

The layer of commitment and intimacy in our bonding was undeniable. One simply cannot fake that... There was an unmistakable devotion, and it was exactly this that I fell in love with. I quickly became addicted to having a person I could just be myself with, sans any pretenses. To have someone you love... and to have the same person love you back is a powerfully addicting drug, believe me.

I have never been the same, since.

What we call love comes from deep within us... And to give that to someone means letting them into your soul, with no restrictions. That is what I did: let you in where no one else had ever been. The bond between the two of us was infinitely deep, consequently. I prayed to God to not to let anything ever anything come between us.

But what I forgot was that such great joy is often paid for with a parallel sorrow.

Everything changes, eventually. Nothing lasts forever. And after the train we had hopped upon without a care in the world had wrecked into a crumpled mess on the tracks, it was time to pay the price.

For me, it was absolutely eviscerating to lose you, the meaning of my life. I think because you and I have been to such an unfathomable intensity together… When you are so deep into something, it becomes a part of you and it takes much, much longer to climb back to the surface... And it doesn't help, knowing that the uphill struggle has to be made alone.

Yet, despite the soul numbing pain with which I pay for the joy I once knew, and the magic we created together, I have never regretted climbing aboard that disaster-bound train.

It was an unspoken, dispassionate goodbye… Just a silent winding down... How could everything we shared be weighed down and forgotten with a simple sigh?!

I have been waiting for you ever since, night after night... Like a shadow flitting close to the light…

My heart, it still beats to our rapturous love... I long to call you mine… Throw myself at your feet and beg you for your love. Could you let us fall apart all because I wasn’t perfect?

I hear your voice, but it doesn't stop the pain… All the times that I thought would last somehow… I hear the laughter, I taste the tears, but I can't get near you now…

It is purely for cathartic reasons that I write all of this. So that you know that I will always love you, always.

Only just today, after so long, I can finally let go; as in, accept the fact that you left me… To let go of the sad things, and the bad things, and the painful memories. So I can focus solely on the good memories of you, of us... And so that I can smile to myself again, thinking of you.

It's much better this way.